Even before the current political season winds down, political scientists at
the Hess Institute, in concert with information technology's best minds, are
putting the finishing touches on an e-politician for the upcoming elections. The
G4000, wheeled out to reporters Friday, is an electronic candidate. Code name:
Sammy.
The G4000 made these remarks:
"Good afternoon, friends of the media. I, the G4000 Series, am a fully
automated, self-handling, public servant. What are the advantages of electronic
politicians? First, why send out a pretend machine when you can send out the real
thing? I don't mind saying the same things a hundred times a day.
"Second, control. I know the presidents, premiers, and cabinets of all 115
countries in the United Nations. No more stupidity on the stump with the G4000
Series. And no more verbal slips. I know the difference between resonate and
resignate, between disclosure and exposure. I have a vocabulary of 100,000
English words. In addition, I speak Chinese, Russian, German, Portuguese, Navajo,
Ebonic, and Spanish. A bonus feature is my cliché and euphemism generator, for
avoiding the stress of plain statements.
"Third, the G4000 Series is feature-rich. I have a direct T1 line to every
electronic medium in the world. I can e-mail 9,999 press releases, manage the
statements of 9,999 surrogates, ingest 9,999 chicken drumsticks, and plant
virtual kisses on 9,999 babies simultaneously. When I open my piehole to speak,
my fuzzy-logic circuits calculate what form and content will be most successful
with the largest number of voters. Needless to say, I'm extremely popular.
"Also, my massively parallel processing chips compare every statement with
every other statement ever made on a topic. Or, I can sort according to audience,
region, and demographic. So you can have it both ways--be stultifyingly
consistent, or play one group against another.
"The G4000 is equipped with a hat rest for any kind of headwear, from tank
battalion leader to sombrero. Look at me: Sammy's a cheesehead, he must be in
Fond du Lac!
"My favorite feature is the simulated emotion plug-in. I never lose control
emotionally, but I am equipped with the capability to exude a single hydraulic
tear when opportunities for compassion present themselves. As you can see, this
button causes my head to shake sadly and make a kind of clucking sound, as I
lament how sad it is that my hypocritical and probably unstable opponent has
resorted to name-calling. Sad, isn't it? I think it's sad. Very sad. Now that's
what I call sad.
"And, my Teflon heat and grease shield self-initiates at the first sense of
incoming feedback. Best of all, I am a 360-degree candidate. On my front panel
output devices, you see how I supply speeches, white papers, e-mails, and press
releases to voters. But when I swivel, you see my input slots. I accept Visa,
MasterCard, ATM, and debit cards. Even a little sliding drawer there for cash.
Enjoy a complimentary mint! Sorry, no American Express.
"Invest $100 million in me with the secure knowledge that you will get your
money's worth, and that I will spare no effort to work for the will of the
people.
"Vote for the new G4000--now with Charisma®."
Contributing Editor Michael Finley is America's Best-Loved Futurist®
