I made a right turn on a red light this week, and I must tell you, I have made better right turns. A car, perhaps 100 yards behind me, was heading through the same light. As fate would have it, he had to slow from 50 miles per hour to about 40 because of me--almost all the way down to the 35 mph speed limit--and was he mad.
My first reaction was a ladylike forgive-me wave in my rearview mirror, but he would have none of it. He sped up until his car was perhaps six inches from mine, and laid on his horn for a full 30 seconds.
Well. When he did that, I put away my wave and deliberately slowed to the posted speed limit. You want to know how hockey fathers can kill one another on the ice? It happens in this split second of challenge. We just go nuts, and the most idiotic behavior suddenly seems compellingly necessary. If I'd had a bazooka at that moment, I would have had to do a lot of cognitive self-talk to not fire it. ("But Mike, you'll be in prison the rest of your life.") Ah, the many downsides of testosterone.
My worthy adversary roared around me, passing on my right, still honking like crazy, and exhibiting, if I'm not mistaken, a red garnet ring on his middle finger.
Here we sit in traffic every day. We are encircled with advanced technology--audio systems, sensors, warning lights, in-car computers, airbags. But we have nothing with which to communicate with all the other people on the road, except the garnet rings on our middle fingers. We can lay on our horns, which is fun. Or flash our headbeams, and maybe blind our worthy adversary. We could call them on CB radio--"Hey, big buddy, why doncha lay off my rearview and live to see tomorrow?" I suppose we could roll down the window and address our worthy adversary via bullhorn. Very attention-getting. Very dangerous. We could call on the cell phone, if we have one, and if they have one, and if you know their number.
But those solutions are so…analog. Instead, I propose a digital solution--the Auto Rooftop Message Board--a streaming marquee fitted to your car's roof. You dictate your message to a microphone, and voice-recognition software converts the message to ASCII characters and displays them. The board can be rotated so drivers can read it from any angle.
If the offending car is ahead of you, it automatically displays the message in reverse type, like those ECNALUBMA signs. And what do you say? I think a set of 10 stock rude messages would suffice for 90 percent of situations, like:
"What's the matter with you?" (Your worthy adversary then responds, possibly with what you want him to say: "I am an idiot.")
"You are frightening me." (A peace offering, really. You're saying, "You win, now go away. Please?")
"Did your parents drop all their children on their heads?" (Doesn't work for only children, and has been known not to work with non-only-children.)
You create your own boilerplate messages when you install it, or you can use the steering-wheel keypad to create insulting messages on the fly--no more dangerous than using a cell phone or sending a fax.
You may object: "But aren't you just substituting expletives for shotgun blasts, and isn't this just another sign that our liberty-addled society is going even further down the toilet than we ever thought it could possibly plunge?"
And I say, "Who the ^%$#& asked you?"
Mike Finley mfinley@mfinley.com is America's Best Loved Futurist™.
