ROM, RAM, mouse, Web, SOHO, hot-swappable insertion. Who makes up these words?

To be honest, no one knows. The creation of industry buzzwords and acronyms is a mystery; the only thing we can be completely sure of is that Al Gore didn't coin the word Internet.

But we do know that some of these words, for reasons more complicated than the Windows registry, become accepted parts of the English language--or at least that part of the English language designed to confuse computer novices. And if no one knows who makes up these words, then I guess I can make up a few:

ABM technologies: Anybody But Microsoft--consortiums created to design a new, open standard to compete with a closed one from Redmond, Wash.--i.e., technical standards that haven't got a chance.

Bells and anvils: New features added in a major upgrade, significantly weighing down the program.

Bit black block: A very dark rectangle within a bitmapped illustration of a scene from "The Mikado."

ComSIMMP: Communications Single Inline Memory Module--RAM units intended for use with network cards; banned in the 1950s.

Cybercrashes: Automobile accidents caused by drivers accessing the Internet.

Egonomics: Keyboards, mice, and desks for extremely self-important executives.

e-i-e-i-o: Externally Interfaced Electronic Internet Outlet, or anything else that will fit those initials.

EitherNet: A network that will let you interface with either this computer or that one, but never both at once.

EOI: Ettypray ousylay ivacypray. If you can read the name, you can crack the code.

e-verkill: When a company puts e- at the beginning of its corporate name for no particular reason, such as e-Mom and Pop's Little Shop of Knickknacks.

FIQ: Frequently ignored questions

HUI, DUI, and LUI: Hypertext User Interface (where the operating system is accessed through a Web browser), Digital User Interface (where you must use your fingers), and Loquacious User Interface (where the screen displays too many words).

Impersonal computer: A small computer based on an operating system that discourages user configuration, such as Windows Me.

Interinactive: 1) The art of spending every waking moment in front of a computer. 2) All graphic Web pages that take forever to download.

KABLUI: Next major upgrade of Microsoft Windows.

LOCO: The opposite of SOHO-large office/corporate office.

Lucix: Linux's big sister who is always teasing him about his security red hat.

Ludditeware: Any program that is more than 18 months old.

Megabugs: New standard for measuring application upgrades.

Microsoft wall: When Windows turns into something you can't see through or pass through, or another name for the blue screen of death.

More and More Law: An addendum to Moore's Law, which states that the power of computer hardware doubles every 18 months. The More and More Law points out that however much additional power the new hardware offers us, the new software will want more.

No-collar worker: A full-time telecommuter.

Palm tree: Hierarchical network of handheld computers.

Personband: Politically correct term for broadband.

PIMP: Personal information management pointer--software that makes sure all of a company's personal information managers are working hard and turning over their data.

P-mail: Physical mail, delivered by the Post Office, FedEx, or UPS.

PONR: Point of no return--when your keyboard's Return key no longer works, so you try other keys, which don't work either.

POOP: Post office obnoxious protocol--technical specifications for e-mailing spam to millions of addresses collected when people have replied to a "take me off your list" request.

Rode warrior: Aggressive, successful executive who's had too many business trips and now just wants to stay at home.

Tireless networks: LANs that don't require Firestones.

Tolkien ring network: One Ring to rule them all/One Ring to find them/One Ring to take them all and to the network bind them/In the LAN of Netware where the password lie.

Toomuchalready.com: See E-verkill, as in as e-Mom and Pop's Little Shop of Knickknacks.com.

Unreal time protocol: Standard for calculating commercial software release dates.

VaporPay: Pay in the form of stock options for that new dot-com company that's going to make you a billionaire.

VTP: Virus transfer protocol--another name for Microsoft Outlook.

Windows BG: For Windows Bill Gates--see impersonal computer.

Woad warrior: Aggressive, successful executive painted blue.

WOM: Write-Only Memory, from which no data has ever returned. It's the only kind of memory for which every personal computer comes with an inexhaustible supply.

www.thelinkinspector.com: Shameless attempt to plug your own Web site in inappropriate place.

YAFCEM: The latest, greatest processor to receive attention and adulation for being imperceptibly faster than last month's latest, greatest processor. It stands for yet another fastest chip ever made.

Zipideedoodah: ZIP files stored on a Zip drive and mailed to someone in another ZIP code.

In addition to Gigglebytes, Lincoln Spector writes an online general interest humor column called The Link Inspector. You'll find links to all of his work at http://www.thelinkinspector.com.