Gigglebytes hed: The Tragedy of DSL dek: a Shakespearean drama of technical support. dek: 'More bugs in Heaven and on Earth ...' by Lincoln Spector

Act I

Recording

: Thy call's gone through to Broadband ISP.

To order DSL please dial a One.

If billing questions have thee, then press Two.

If trouble with thy line, please dial a Three.

We value great thy call, so be not cold;

For fifteen minutes more now wait on hold.

(30 minutes later)

Technician 1: My name be John. What problem do you have?

Hamlet: A heart so full of woe to shame the gods.

My father dead. My mother newly wed

To mine own uncle who hath stole my crown.

But worst of all, like demon born of Hell,

Connection's lost; I hath no DSL.

Tech1: How sorry am I. Is thy computer on?

Ham: It is.

Tech1: And that does not the problem solve?

Ham: A boot cannot return me to the Net.

Tech1: Then follow this advice, unlucky soul.

Format thy disk, then Windows reinstall.

Ham: Zounds! 'Tis hard. Is there no other way?

Tech1: Nay. None. Do you these things of which I say.

And if connection fair thou can't reclaim

Call back, and thou make ask for me by name.

Act II

Technician 2: My name be Sue. What problem do you have?

Ham: To John I must now speak. Please transfer me.

Tech2: A John I do not know. Perhaps he works

In office far away. So spread are we

That I know not if Texas or Japan

Is where he sits. Did family name he give?

Ham: Alas, did not. Nor state the place he works.

Tech2: He should have. If a call back he did ask.

Ham: And will thou give me last name and address?

Tech2: I would except our rules say I cannot.

I ask again what problem do you have?

Ham: My DSL connection doth not work.

Tech2: How sorry am I. Is thy computer on?

Ham: 'Tis. And that does not the problem solve.

Nor Windows reinstall, for this I've tried.

Tech 2: Fear not, brave soul. To hope thou must now cling.

Your sometime broad IP address I'll ping.

Alas, now mourn. My ping, 'tis all tim'd out.

There's no more I can do.

Ham: Is all now lost?

Tech 2: Not yet. For I will pass thy problem on.

Another call thy'll get within three days.

Then bits of Web will be there for thy viewing

Once help'd by one who knows what he is doing.

Act III

Technician 3: My name be Ted. What problem do you have?

Ham: I've call'd you once, then twice, and now time three.

Because my DSL doth not connect.

No pages from the Web come through its line,

Nor e-mail lovely from Ophelia fair.

A week ago fair Sue, one of your own,

Did try to ping my line without success.

She promised a call I would receive.

A week's gone by, yet I've receiv'd no call.

Can you connect me to this wiser soul?

Tech3: I cannot, though great thy woe.

Our rules say that before wise ones are call'd

We must run tests, be dusk or noon or dawn.

So now the first: Is thou computer on?

Ham: Aye, that it is. I've been through this before.

And formatted my disk upon request.

Must I go through this torture once again?

Tech3: Perchance thou won't. I'll tell thee what I'll do.

I'll phone our wisest leader and I'll ask

If you could be put through to one who knows.

Please hold a bit.

Ham: Thank you. I'll do just that.

Tech3: (Aside) The fool's on hold, and trusting as a pup.

I'll let him wait awhile and then hang up.

Act IV

Technician 4: My name be Kim. What problem do you have?

Ham: My anger waxes greater than a bear

Whose fair abode's been turn'd to tourist trap.

The Internet to me is wholly block'd

With DSL that's dead as most dot-coms.

Your person, name of Ted, did hang me up

When promis'd he to put me through at last

To some wise soul who'd calm my fever'd brow.

Tech4: Thy DSL is dead? Then I must ask

One question...

Ham: I know. My computer's on?

I've reinstall'd my Windows. Did not help.

I have been ping'd, that too to no avail.

And promises I've heard of experts' calls.

Yet still no data comes from off the Net.

Tech4: I understand. Please let me take a look.

What ho? For sooth! My gosh! What have we here?

I see a little switch that hath been flipp'd.

I'll simply ... that was it. Now does it work?

Ham: It does! I'm on the line! Oh, joyful day!

Pages from the Web downloading quick!

My e-mail's here, with Spam both straight and gay

And viruses! Enough to make thee sick.

I thank you, but I have one question more:

No broadband have I had for o'er a week.

Will that affect the bill I pay this month?

Tech4: It shan't. For we would never charge you more

For little thing like service we depriv'd.

Ham: Will you charge less?

Tech4: We might. I do not know.

Please call someone in Bills. They'll tell you so.

Act V

Clerk: My name be Dan. What problem do you have?

Ham: For eight straight days, my DSL work'd not.

Thy people did not try to get it right

Until this very hour, when good Kim

Did flip a switch, and my connection lives.

So now, oh Dan in Bills, I wish to ask

That I not pay for service for last week.

Clerk: I'm sorry, your request cannot go through.

'Tis most against a policy we state

Quite clearly on our Web site if you click

The link that says "Thou'st never should go here."

Ham: A minute. Let me check that grievous news

To find that claim that most affronts mine ears.

Alas! Those words with my eyes shan't be read.

The DSL so short regain'd is dead.