The curtain opens on a group of pirates sitting at their computers, surfing the Web and downloading illegal copies of copyrighted works. One of them, FREDRICK, tells the others that he will no longer take part of such piratical activity. The PIRATE KING, shocked by the news, bursts into song.
Tune: Pirate King
PIRATE KING: Oh better far to live and die
With music I take, not music I buy,
If a CD I hold in a high regard
I'll have it but not on my credit card.
Away to the cheating world go you,
Where record execs are well to do;
But I will rip what the others sing,
And pass it around as a Pirate King.
For I am a Pirate King!
ALL: You are!
Hurrah for our Pirate King!
PIRATE KING: With rock and jazz and rap and swing
I am a Pirate King!
ALL: Hurrah!
Hurrah for our Pirate King!
Hurrah for our Pirate King!
PIRATE KING: Tho' Napster's gone, I still can say
I help myself in a Napster way;
Copyright laws, I break, 'tis true,
But the laws are made for the wealthy few.
AOL-Warner has money to burn,
It isn't my money, it's not my concern.
I take their music, their movies; so soon
That I've had The Two Towers since the first day of June.
For I am a Pirate King!
ALL: You are!
Hurrah for our Pirate King!
PIRATE KING: For action movies are my thing
I am a Pirate King!
ALL: Hurrah!
Hurrah for our Pirate King!
Hurrah for our Pirate King!
FREDERICK leaves the pirates, and soon falls in love with the beautiful MABEL, who arranges a job for him with her father, STANLEY, the President of the newly-merged media giant, TIC (the Tri-Initial Corporation).
Tune: Modern Major General
STANLEY: I am the very model of a leader of the media
I often am called greedy when in fact I'm really greedy-a.
For anything I'll sell that has a razzle-dazzle got 'em line
The only work of art I truly love is called the bottom line.
ALL: The only work of art he truly loves is called the bottom line.
STANLEY: I own the rights Shakespeare, also Homer, and Pat Benatar
And if I don't, I'll change the law with payments to a senatar.
I'll change the meaning of my words--I've known what "Run for cover" meant.
And if I cannot change your mind, then I will change the government.
ALL: And if he cannot change your mind, then he will change the government.
STANLEY: When people copy music they are stealing from my cranium,
That's why we changed the laws back at the start of the mill-ay-nium
Of all this curs-ed piracy I really have a lot to tell--
You've cost us many millions. Oh! A second's profit shot to Hell.
ALL: We've cost him many millions. Oh! A second's profit shot to Hell.
STANLEY: We need that money to make sure that we can always thump any
Competitors. If they exist, than we must buy their company.
So we'll control all films and books, CDs, encyclopedia;
I am the very model of a leader of the media.
ALL: He is the very model of a leader of the media.
STANLEY catches THE PIRATE KING with stolen TIC property. STANLEY calls his lawyers, who led by the SENIOR PARTNER, introduce themselves in song.
Tune: Policeman's Lot
SENIOR PARTNER: When an honest man, his workday now belated--(ALL: Now belated,)
He goes home to happy fam-i-ly intact--('Ly intact,)
His head gets filled with words most complicated--(Complicated,)
As he tries to understand a long contract--(Long contract)
We know this man is not a legal scholar--(Legal scholar,)
That's why we win before we have begun--(Have begun,)
Yes it's we who work but seconds for each dollar--(For each dollar,)
An attorney's life is quite a happy one.
ALL: Oh! When no one can agree; the trial's begun
It's begun
An attorney's life is quite a happy one.
Happy one
SENIOR PARTNER: When a woman thinks her life is law-abiding--(Law-abiding,)
When a couple to retire make their plans--(make their plans,)
You can bet to them that we will come a-riding--(Come a-riding,)
With subpoenas in our merry little hands--(Little hands,)
It's never violent crim'nals that we collar--(That we collar,)
We would rather lay a lawsuit on a nun--(On a nun,)
Yes it's we who work but seconds for each dollar--(Each dollar,)
SENIOR PARTNER: An attorney's life is quite a happy one.
ALL: Oh! When no one can agree; the trial's begun
It's begun
An attorney's life is quite a happy one.
Happy one
The lawyers are about to press charges, when it is suddenly revealed that THE PIRATE KING and his friends are all the children of oil company executives. All is forgiven and everybody dances.
(Curtain).
