Seppuku Computers Technical Support. This is Jim. Can I help you?

I hope so! I just tried out that new disk diagnostic and repair program, U Askt 4 It. Now Windows won't boot. What should I do?

Insert your Seppuku Restore CD into the CD drive, reboot, and press "Y" to wipe out everything on your hard drive and restore it to our standard configuration.

And lose my address book, business documents, financial information, and precious MP3 files?

I'm sorry, but they're not part of our standard configuration.

There's got to be a better solution. Listen, I'm sitting here staring at...I guess this is what people call the blue screen of death.

What do you see on your computer screen right now?

A blue screen. With words. It actually suggests some solutions: "Disable or uninstall any anti-virus, disk defragmentation or backup utilities. Check for any updated drivers. Run CHKDSK /F." But how can I do any of these if I can't get into Windows?

Simple. Insert your Seppuku Restore CD into the CD drive, reboot, and press "Y." Once it has wiped out everything on your hard and restored it to what it was when you bought your computer, you'll be able to do all of those things.

Well, if I have to, OK.

----------------

Seppuku Computers Technical Support. This is Jim. Can I help you?

Yeah. I just bought a new scanner-a Seppuku CatScan 4000. Once I installed the driver, I couldn't access the Internet. And uninstalling the driver didn't help. Neither did System Restore. What can I do?

Insert your Seppuku Restore CD into the CD drive, reboot, and press "Y" to wipe out everything on your hard drive and restore it to our standard configuration.

That sounds kind of drastic. There must be a better solution. What do you know about the scanner driver?

I'm sorry, but Seppuku Computers doesn't support scanners by...that company.

Seppuku Computers doesn't support scanners by Seppuku Computers?

That's correct. We recommend that you call Seppuku Computers.

So just to clarify things, Seppuku Computers can't help me with my Seppuku Computers PC because it doesn't support my Seppuku Computers scanner. But I can get help from the scanner manufacturer, Seppuku Computers?

Not really. Seppuku Computers supports scanners, not Seppuku computers.

Let's forget the scanner for a moment. Can Seppuku Computers help me get back onto the Internet?

Have you tried your ISP?

SeppukuComputers.com? Do they support my computer?

SeppukuComputers.com can't support its employees. But it has an excellent FAQ page on its Web site.

But I can't access the Internet! Isn't there anything you can do?

What do you see on your computer screen right now?

Uh, I'm in Internet Explorer, and it says "The page cannot be displayed."

Oh, I know how to fix that!

How?

Just insert your Seppuku Restore CD into the CD drive, reboot, and press "Y." It will wipe out everything on your hard drive and restore it to our standard configuration.

Is it possible to boot from the Seppuku Restore CD and re-install Windows while leaving My Documents untouched?

The Seppuku Restore CD won't touch your documents.

It won't?

Nope, it just wipes out everything on your hard drive and restores it to our standard configuration. Nothing you have on paper will be affected.

Thanks. Um...I'll...just...go now.

You're very welcome.

Seppuku Computers Technical Support. This is Jim. Can I help you?

I hope so. I want to uninstall Minesweeper, but I can't find it in Add/Remove Programs. How do I remove it?

Insert your Seppuku Restore CD into the CD drive, reboot, and press "Y" to wipe out everything on your hard drive and restore it to our standard configuration.

Aside from wiping out all of my data, how would that help?

It would remove every program you installed after buying the computer, including this Mime Reaper.

Minesweeper is part of Windows--it came with the computer.

Seppuku computers come with Microsoft Windows, Microsoft Office, Microsoft Encarta, Microsoft Money, and Microsoft Why We are Not a Monopoly. No such program as Time Creeper.

Of course there is. Look, press the Start button and select All Programs, then Games, and you'll find...

Press the what?

The Start button. It's on the lower left-hand corner of your desktop.

Just a second. Nope. The only thing there is my coffee cup.

I mean the desktop on your computer.

The desktop on my computer? That's the silliest thing I ever heard! Computers sit on desktops; desktops don't sit on computers.

What do you see on your computer screen right now?

I don't have a computer. In fact, I've never actually seen one. Hello? Are you there?

----------------

Seppuku Computers Technical Support. This is Jim. Can I help you?

Hi. This is Jody in Personnel. I'm working on the new payroll database and I'm missing your social security number. Do you have it?

Insert your Seppuku Restore CD into the CD drive, reboot, and press "Y" to wipe out everything on your hard drive and restore it to our standard configuration.

Um, OK.