Everything that happens on your computer happens through the operating
system. Turn on your computer, and you turn on the operating system. Save a file
to disk, and it's saved through the operating system. Write, send, and
immediately regret an angry e-mail message to your ex-spouse's lawyer's Mafia
Don, and that too can be blamed on the operating system.
With operating systems so important, it's time we took a look at what's out
there. So here's the official, semi-occasional, Gigglebytes roundup of the
programs we most love to hate.
Windows 98: More people use Windows 98 than any other operating system. Every
day, hundreds of millions of users boot Windows, vainly search the help files,
try to fix a feature that worked yesterday but doesn't today, and watch the famed
multitasking OS lock up entirely because they tried to do two things at once.
Then they grit their teeth, reformat their hard drives, and reinstall Windows
from scratch. Meanwhile, Bill Gates tries to figure out why poll after poll shows
that he's less popular than Stalin.
Macintosh OS 9: This marginal operating system is known for its stability,
ease of use, steadily shrinking market share, and the legion of fanatical
followers who threaten to kill you if you suggest that it may contain flaws. One
such flaw (there goes my life insurance) is that OS 9 only works on overpriced
Macintosh computers, many of which are distinguished by their odd shapes and
fancy colors. Mac users often wonder why everyone else hasn't gone over to their
obviously superior system, but the reason is simple: If there's anyone Windows
users hate more than Bill Gates, it's Mac users.
Unix: This is the oldest of all current operating systems, and probably the
most confusing. There are many flavors of Unix, such as SCO and That Other One
That Keeps Changing. What makes one version of Unix different from all others is
that they have absolutely nothing in common. Indeed, people who can tell the Mac
OS from Windows at a single glance at the screen cannot recognize a Unix system
until someone tells them what it is, at which point they get up and move to
another computer. Unix is best known for its name, which suggests that those who
use it are something less than real men.
Linux: Everyone's favorite come-from-behind operating system was originally
developed by a college student in Helsinki. By comparison, most OSes are
developed by programmers in hell. This student, Linus Torvalds, then named this
Unix variant after himself and made it available for free to anyone who could
figure out what to do with it. Some figured out how to sell it. Today, Linux is
known for carrying an unusually high price for a free product. True to its Unix
origins, there are multiple, incompatible versions of Linux.
Windows 2000: The latest version of Windows to hit store shelves combines the
complex, impossible-to-figure-out internal structure of NT with the flaky
instability of Windows 98. Like its predecessor NT, Windows 2000 is designed with
security in mind; you can set up your system so that your coworkers can't get
into it, the IT department can't get into it, and you can't get into it. In fact,
a fully secure Windows 2000 system can only be accessed by a skilled hobbyist.
BeOS: A few years ago, Be Inc. decided to take on Microsoft and sell its own,
independent operating system for standard PC hardware. Today, BeOS is known as
the only free alternative OS that runs inside of Windows. The operating system is
also being adapted for use in Internet appliances, allowing you to surf while you
dry your hair.
Internet: Once upon a time, the Internet was supposed to free us from the
tyranny of operating systems. The idea was that everyone would be running their
applications on the Web, and it wouldn't matter on which OS they were running
their Web browsers. Today, in fact, you can find a handful of applications
designed to be run over the Web; most of them are called Web browsers. The rest
are e-mail servers that offer you half of the features of conventional e-mail
programs at a full tenth of the speed. It is possible, however, that one day
people will do all of their work on Internet-based applications, and the rest of
us will pity them.
Windows Millennium Edition: This is absolutely, unquestionably the best
operating system of them all, and is likely to remain so until the day it is
released. The primary advantage of Windows Me, aside from a video-editing program
that will be of little use to anyone, is the lack of DOS Compatibility Mode. If
you need to resize a partition, clean up a hopelessly corrupted Windows
installation, or play a game, you will have to first boot from a floppy disk
created in an earlier version of Windows. Windows Me is expected to become
available about the same time that system manufacturers stop making computers
with floppy drives.
Contributing Editor Lincoln Spector writes about the absurdities of computing
life.
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