The Second Annual Microsoft Sellout Column ™ Dear Bill:

Your secret plan for world domination is working! I am honored to be part of your cabal.

As you know, we helped implement your plan to scuttle OS/2 by promoting IBM's operating system as being "so good it hurts." Although certain sectors of the market whipped themselves into a frenzy at the thought of OS/2's demise, our enthusiastic reviews helped deep-six this alternative OS for good.

We've also followed--and I'm not sucking up here--your sage advice regarding Linux. You were right: Who'd take an operating system named after a Peanuts character seriously? But as per your orders, we've praised Linux on repeated occasions. We even use it to run our intranet. If that doesn't kill this foreign-born OS, I don't know what will.

But we're especially proud of our role in eighty-sixing Apple, thanks to your unwavering, patient guidance.

As you know, we have cast aspersions on Apple's character. (OK, we reported that Apple's market share has slipped to a very modest single digit.)

We have mocked the iMac. (Well, we kind of, sort of pointed out that a $1,299 Mac without a floppy drive or SCSI port might be an inconvenience for some users, especially those who'd already invested in SCSI hardware and, dare I say, floppies. But hey, they can always buy new USB hardware, right?)

We have beaten the Mac OS to a pulp. (Well, you know, we admitted that some upgrades had some flaws.)

We have hinted broadly that maybe, just maybe, the PC more or less dominates the market, although Intel and Microsoft wish there were more competition and maybe users really didn't want to buy PCs but were forced to spend less money and besides, Steve Jobs has that cool Pixar company, so what does he need the bucks for anyway?

But I like to think that the coup de grâce, the ne plus nadira, was our recent Cover Story, "The Mac: Is It Dead or What?," in which Apple archnemesis Jim Felici claimed that the Mac had never existed, but was actually simulated in the same NASA studios where the moon landing, the invasion of Grenada, and William Shatner's toupee were faked.

And finally, let's not forget to credit all the work Steve "Agent Reboot" Jobs has done at our behest. The man is a genius, a genius! The $400 million NeXT sale that went nowhere! A Mac without SCSI ports or floppy drives! The selling of FileMaker! Ads using Ted Turner! Jobs' mud-wrestling match with Gil Amelio! Brilliant, simply brilliant!

We await your future orders. In the meantime, we will continue to criticize Windows in order to conceal our true objective.

Your willing vassal,
Robert "Agent GPF" Luhn

Your comments, as always, are welcome. You can e-mail me at rluhn@aol.com and rluhn@compuserve.com or write to me care of Computer Currents.

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