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Hypochondriac’s dream

New medical maladies brought on by computer malaise 5/25 Future Shoes hed: New medical conditions dek: Maladies brought on by computer malaise. by Michael Finley

“Mannlich’s Medical Reference” has just issued its sixth edition, and it is noteworthy for introducing several new medical conditions that may be of interest to readers of this paper. You may want to peruse this list and see which ones you may be susceptible to:

Adipose Tirior … augmentation of gluteus maximus brought about by uninterrupted weeks of sitting at console. See also Henderson’s Polyps.

Auctioneers Craniopathy … throbbing pain in parietal lobes occasioned by receipt of monthly eBay statement.

Computer Abuse … listed in previous editions as a victimless affliction, condition has been upgraded in this edition to include such symptoms as axe-head embedded in monitor and bullet holes in CPU.

Cybernova Nervosa … systemic breakdown of central nervous system provoked by a shrill grinding sound coming from a fixed disk: symptoms include high anxiety, slowed heartbeat, coldness in extremities, empty sensation at pit of stomach.

Erasable Vowel Syndrome … psychotic insistence by user that labels on most-used keys are wearing off.

Foot in Mouth Disease … you call software technical support and start reaming out the company for a bad installation, and are then disappointed to be treated with courtesy and patience.

Kawasaki’s Tremor … spasmodic thrashing of upper body upon realizing that a journalist has written a 3000-word article about PCs and not mentioned Apple.

Linux Fever … febrile state in which the user experiences delusions of regicide.

Microsoft … symptomatic of Penile Erectile Dysfunction (PED).

Obsessive Compulsive Communications Disorder (OCCD) … the belief that unless you keep checking your mail, sometimes many times in order, certain catastrophe will befall you.

Smoking Firewall … emotional letdown following penetration by virus.

Troll’s Disorder … psychological syndrome characterized by the belief that you are invisible and can commit any act with impunity; most often experienced by newcomers frequenting USENET chat rooms.

Ventana Nebulosa … optical condition experienced chiefly by users with allergies who forget to wipe their monitors.

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