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Jedi mind trick

So, you want to be a Jedi, hmmm? Diversions hed: Jedi mind trick dek: so, you want to be a Jedi, hmmm? by Michael Finley

The recent census divulged an interesting tidbit: More than 100,000 Americans define their religious affiliation as “Jedi Knight.” I figure that about half of them read COMPUTERUSER.

With the national crisis under way and practitioners of mainstream religions taking to church and prayer–and as a sometime believer in The Force myself–I wonder how other Jedi Knights are coping.

It’s not enough, I don’t think, merely to affiliate. Our present circumstances require that Jedi Knights take action. And the most powerful weapon at our disposal is the Jedi Mind Trick, whereby, using our powerful minds, we plant suggestions in other people’s minds, making actions they would not ordinary take seem reasonable to them.

The first order of the day is to calm the afflicted. Months after the original attack, many people remain anxious, sleepless, and depressed. When you see someone fretting–maybe they are unable to buy a gas mask or antibiotics–place a hand on their shoulder, and say to them: “Let’s be reasonable. We’re in no personal physical danger at the moment. Our opponent wants us to be upset. The sensible response is to not be upset. Maybe there’s a movie you’ve been wanting to see.”

Do it right, and the once-afflicted person will shrug and walk straight to the Google Cineplus.

But you want to do more than realign people you see on the streets. You want to be proactive, so you enter the boardrooms of great corporations. It’s not hard to gain access. Simply wave your hand as you pass through the lobby, as if to make yourself invisible to the receptionist at his desk and the security guard at the elevator. No one will impede you. They know you belong right where you are.

Once in the boardroom, another gesture will cloud their minds. You go to the CEO. He looks up at you with a look of infinite worry. One wave and he is becalmed. You say: “Instead of laying off 3,000 workers, you will share jobs among them and channel your own salary into research and development. Your company will grow because you took a smart risk when everyone else went into hiding.”

“Gentlemen,” the executive says firmly, “I have a plan to save our organization.”

You glide through the market. Investors are apprehensively lined up to sell. You pass your hand over them, saying, “The wisdom of the market says buy low, sell high. You don’t want to sell now. You want to buy when confidence is shaky. It’s the perfect time to make a killing.” All the investors whip out their cell phones.

Slowly you do your part. This is not mind control or magic. You simply remind people what is to their advantage. You combat fear with truth.

Of course, these actions merely nullify the mind tricks of the adversary. The adversary thinks nothing of obliterating whole planets, whole peoples. Can your little tricks, your wave of the hand, hold off the power of a Death Star? Can a lone knight stand up to an emperor of evil? Can you engage the dark side in hand-to-hand battle?

Even knights have fears to fight. You wake up at night, you hear a plane flying low overhead, you hear your heart pounding in the dark.

What does The Force tell you? It tells you the face of the hated one is your own face. Your job is not to unseat the emperor of evil–not to comfort the masses, or give direction the powerful. Just to obtain a measure of control over yourself.

Just live and work, and love the people close to you. Be honest to yourself, and have faith in one another.

You can do it with the wave of one hand.

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