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The wonderful world of Redmond

Don’t worry about your future; Microsoft has it all planned. Gigglebytes hed: The wonderful world of Redmond dek: don’t worry about your future; Microsoft has it all planned. by Lincoln Spector

We’re standing at the dawn of a new technological revolution. The computing world as we know it is poised for a transformation of cataclysmic proportions–a paradigm shift the likes of which we haven’t seen in at least two months. We are entering the era of Microsoft.Nyet.

Consider a world where all of your programs talk to each other, watch you closely, and know what you should be doing at every moment of the day. Have a dentist appointment? If you’re at your computer, Microsoft.Nyet will pop up a notice. If you’re taking a walk, Microsoft.Nyet will call your cell phone. If you’re driving, it will take control of the steering wheel.

Microsoft.Nyet’s magic will emanate from a powerful server in Redmond, Wash., through a vast array of networks, to everything from NASA’s supercomputers to your toaster. How will it talk to these devices? Through Microsoft’s new communication’s standard–the Knowledge Gateway Backbone (KGB).

Of course, for Microsoft.Nyet to work properly, the KGB will need to watch everything you’re doing. According to Microsoft.Nyet Project Leader Joe Zephstawlen, this can be done by “the simple procedure of replacing every program and device you own with one that supports Microsoft.Nyet, then reconfiguring your network.” Will this be difficult? “We believe that an average Windows user can convert their entire system in only five working days; less if they buy our new book, “Microsoft.Nyet for People Who Do What They’re Told.”

For anyone to gain the full benefit, everyone will have to upgrade. But will they? “Of course,” says Zephstawlen. “This interdependability will produce the social and economic incentive for late adopters to make the leap.”

All power to the office

Many people will make the switch initially to use Microsoft Office, Internet Connection Unification edition. Office ICU will come with many exciting new features, including supercharged document tracking and an Intelligent Secret Agent that automatically replaces objectionable words.

All of the standard Office file formats–.doc, .xls, .tmp–will be updated to help you make full use of today’s larger hard drives. “Just create a Word document with four paragraphs and a modest picture, and you’ll use up a good half a gig of space,” Zephstawlen brags.

The new file formats will serve another important purpose. By making new Word and Excel data files incompatible with the old formats, stubborn users will be even more encouraged to upgrade for the good of the rest of us.

Microsoft no longer believes in private ownership of software. Office ICU will be the first product released under Microsoft’s new EXTended ORdinary restituTION (EXTORTION) policy. Rather than buying the program outright, you will pay Microsoft a monthly fee for the right to not have your files destroyed. Microsoft will even give you a percentage of any income it makes off its copyright on your creative work.

“It’s a share-and-share-alike situation,” Zephstawlen promises. “From each according to his abilities; to us according to your abilities.”

Microsoft.Nyet will be so well integrated into Office ICU that most users won’t even notice it until it takes over their lives. For instance, when you enter a contact or appointment into Outlook, the information will be automatically sent to Microsoft’s server. Then, for instance, your television might come on to remind you of the appointment or inform you that the contact is sleeping with your spouse.

(Of course, such integration will require you to have a Microsoft.Nyet-enabled television with a recently-upgraded EPROM, all of which has been properly configured to interface with your home network. Those whose televisions are not correctly updated will be limited to getting messages via their computers; they will also have their cable service cut off.)

Big Bill is watching over you

If Microsoft.Nyet is able to track everything you do, does that mean that your privacy is at risk? “Absolutely not,” reassures Zephstawlen. “We hold your personal information as strictly confidential. Microsoft.Nyet has a very strict privacy policy. It’s so strict, in fact, that we won’t let anybody read it.”

But could hackers from outside Microsoft gain illegal access to your data? Not according to Zephstawlen, who promises the same degree of reliable protection we’ve all come to expect from Internet Explorer and HotMail. “If someone does manage to break into the system and access your data, we’ll issue a fix.” Zephstawlen emphatically adds that “I’m willing to make a guarantee. With Microsoft.Nyet, your private information will be between you, your employer, your spouse, Microsoft, and half a dozen advertisers!”

It’s an exciting new world ahead of us; the end of history and the beginning of universal cooperation. “People with real class will switch immediately,” says Zephstawlen. “As for the rest … it will be class warfare.”

In addition to Gigglebytes, Lincoln Spector writes an online general interest humor column called The Link Inspector.

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